For instance, I picture myself staying here in Mitla, growing old together with Jim, and having grandchildren take turns coming to visit during the summer. I'll show them all the places their parents used to play, and I'll read all our favorite stories to them. (At this point in my pondering if I'm ever careless enough to wonder aloud, Jim will jump in with some ridiculous comment like, "What will you serve for lunch that day?" or "What outfit will you be wearing?") Aargh!
An alternate ending which I dream up (usually after he bursts my bubble with some stupid remark) is of me as a widow living out the remainder of my old age in some unknown location. This particular ending gets less frightening the more I preview it. There is no terror in facing the uncertainty of the future because whenever I fast-forward the tape, in spite of all the blank scenes and potential tragedies, the one constant feature is that Jesus is always by my side. I take great comfort in that.
Just as some people get an adrenalin rush watching horror movies, sometimes I get my heart to race by imagining some major move out of the comfort zone we have created here in Mexico - to some exotic country or even to the U.S. - to follow Christ wherever He leads. That excites me somehow, knowing I don't have to write the future chapters. I can dream and imagine, but the future is out of my control.
Talking to other women, I have recently discovered that this isn't some female trait to only partially live in the present. My friends do not plan out the next ten years of their life and eagerly anticipate the possible surprises along the way. They don't sit around blogging over the mistakes of the past and about God's hand of protection and provision in the past.
Many people apparently just take life one day at a time. That's a novel idea to me. Living only in the present tense. How could that possibly be as amusing as imaginary time travel? What do people like that do when the mundane humdrum seasons offer no thrills of their own?
How about you? Have you ever played mental gymnastics like burning your house down, and then imagining which things you would miss if you lost them forever? Have you ever peeked into the future, not liked what you saw, and then made some changes to avoid turning into that person, or avoid facing that preventable problem?
Someone please tell me I am not the only one who does this. Maybe I'm more crazy than even my family ever suspected.
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6 comments:
I commented a few hours ago on your last post, and when this one popped up on my blog reader and I saw "Mitla" something triggered in my brain and I thought... "I wonder..."
So I browsed around your site until I found your family photos, and I realized that yes, you are Tim Loker's mom. How fun. I was one of the leader/counselors at his mk reentry seminar in California. I haven't seen or heard anything from him since, so it is a treat to see the photos of him and his wife. He hasn't changed much - still has that shaggy hair! It's been a few years since then, but I still remember Tim's adventerousness balanced by a very gentle heart.
I am not at all surprised - missionary circles are so small. :)
That's completely crazy! Yes, missionary circles are very small. How did you find my blog in the first place? Just curious. Nice to "meet" you!
No you are not the only one. I have thoroughly planed Michael's funeral (several times) when he was late coming home from the village. I thought about what our life would be like without him and raising our kids alone...and on the other hand I repeatedly realize that while I could seriously spend all day cleaning my house my kids would much rather I spend time with them than have a clean house. And your life and blog have been key in helping keep me reminded of this!
you know very well that I do the exact same thing haha... but I dwell more on the past than the future and lost of "what if's" of things I can't change. I'm glad to be a "wee-bit crazy" with you haha
I'm sure Tim can find a few other similarities, Heidi. Of course men think we're crazy even when clearly we are not! Thanks for joining my fan club. You'll learn a lot you might have wished you knew before you joined this zany family.
I do the same thing! Glad to know I'M not weird! This is REALLY well written. You should change the ending away from wanting a response and submit it to a magazine!
Been having fun reading your blog today when I'm supposed to be working on correspondance myself.... I need to have my internet turned off sometimes!
Heather (Bula Mama)
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